BE STILL AND KNOW (Draw Near to God and He will draw Near to you) + Addition

*Psalm 46:10a “Be still, and know that I am God;”

*James 4:8a “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.”

I think there are many of you out there that can relate to Psalm 46:10 that God seems to use in all of our lives at one time or another. I have been one to have a life full of this more so than some others. Even when doing what we view as being right, good, and a correct thing to do at the time, God may think otherwise. This is one of the main reasons why having a personal relationship with Him is so important. To know when it is right time to do what is right.

This morning I was feeling rather hum drum as I have been so often lately. I have been haunted, poked on, knocked around by Satan and the threats of my future being lived in a more advanced handicapped state. This is not me. I’m normally a person who dwells on what I can do, not what I can’t do yet there are those who seem to think that the way that I operate in this world to the masked, internet eye that I must be 100%, without flaw, no medical issues, etc. to perform because I do not complain which has helped to feed upon past doubts in myself. Recently I’ve even struggled with suicidal thoughts just to escape that future aging ideation that has been plaguing me. Some days are good but some have been depressing and horrid!

This morning I was going about a routine of something I knew had needed done and I THOUGHT this was right to do. I packed my husband’s lunch for work and in doing so I realized I had some kinked up, sore spots from some recent exercise I had started up again. I ate some chips while preparing them for my husband’s lunch since I needed something in my stomach to take some Ibuprophen. This didn’t work! It wasn’t nearly enough to take the Ibuprophen on and I became very nauseated to the point of not even being able to do anything but get into the recliner. In realizing that I would be there for a little while it crept into mind that I wanted to watch the episodes of a TV show that were piling up on the DVR. As I watched this program unfold I watched the dialog of a lady up against some tough competition but a friend told her about an unsquashable bug that helped her to realize that as long as we know that we are unsquashable, we are able to push forward, working for what is right. And I heard in that still small voice from the Master Himself that I had no worries, before it gets too tough, He will take me home! And I started bawling!

*Phil. 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me.”

*1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”
It is not by my will but by His that I am able to move forward one day at a time, knowing even that through being sick has helped to silence me enough to listen! By this Christ has strengthened me to become someone that He has use for!

There are many who I have told what God has shown me in my heart that the world has disabled me but God enabled me. It is by Him that I am able to not concentrate on what I can’t do but what I can do in Christ Jesus!

*Phil.4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy— meditate on these things.

Only God knows why God does things or lets things happen.  Even through sick He can bring pure JOY!

*Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths."

May God bless you through my writing. If He has especially touched you in any way, please leave a comment below. Your comments are so very encouraging to me to help me to keep writing. Also, click on the “Uptweet” button on the above right and share! I pray you will keep coming back. I fully believe that my writing is by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit so if I am writing, there is someone that needs to read it! Maybe it’s you? Also, please be sure to share any questions you might have with me and if you would like to keep them personal (just between you and me) please don’t hesitate to e-mail me at juliana.pace@gmail.com. If I don’t know how to answer you, I will may every attempt to refer you to someone for more information. Thanks and may God bless all your days!

James 1:5 – My Answer

*James 1:5 (NKJV) “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”


The Lord knows that I’ve been trying to analyze my life in my head over and over and over and over some more! That is my ADD brain, always going seemingly 90 miles an hour, going and going! I was teased at work in Ohio that I was like the “Energizer Bunny”. And, on top of that, many times, I’ve asked the Lord for wisdom that I might comprehend and share it with others. I’ve even prayed for His words to share this as it is not easy for me to explain. I have shared it with one friend, but she knows my quirks and I’m sure she half uses her own analytical mind to figure out what I mean! So, if any of you read this and have trouble understanding it, please do not hesitate to pray for wisdom and/or to message me, if you’d like!

It is my belief that if I’m able to share my peculiarities with you that it may put some understanding into your life’s meaning. Life is just “weird” and I was surprised to see how weird mine was, but still quite thankful to God for saving me in this way. I think, it may be more readily understandable if I take you through it a bit more chronologically.

I was adopted at 18 days old. I was told that I spent the first 18 days in a hospital. In 1960 when I was born, not much was known about bonding. So, I started off supposedly thinking that I was born to be alone (rejected and abandoned at birth). My adoptive mother told me that I only cried when I was hungry, which was all the time (10 lb. 8 oz. bouncing baby, too). I also didn’t like being held. Wow, did all of this make sense for someone with intimacy issues, weight problems, and a nearly life-long acceptance problem!

Thank the Lord for His leading me to a class on a book called “The Search for Significance: Seeing Your True Worth Through God’s Eyes” by Robert S. McGee (http://www.amazon.com/Search-Significance-Seeing-Worth-Through/dp/0849944244). I went through a class on this book two times and would do it again. I learned things through this book that I wasn’t taught in nine years with a Psychologist. I would highly recommend getting this book. If you E-Bay, I’ve seen it on www.ebay.com very inexpensively. To tell you the truth, this helped take care of most of the wisdom regarding my life, except for why was I called a right brain person when it seemed to me that I was left brained and so mathematical in my make up? …and I was quite confused about this!
http://painting.about.com/od/rightleftbrain/a/Right_Brain.htm

After reading this, I see it is more correct in thinking that I was for a time, more dominated by my left brain. To explain: When I was ten years old, my folks were told by my art teacher that they should encourage my art due to a recent painting I had done. This teacher saw potential in me. My folks didn’t believe that being an artist was the proper way to go so they discouraged this (although, mother being a piano teacher, I took 11 years of piano lessons). Only more recently did I put together all that happened at my age of 10 years old. My father started drinking regularly and so did I. I also took more and more mathematical oriented classes and only basic art that I had to take for credit. I had succumbed to peer-pressure and the direction of my parents.

(Sadly, even though a crafter from a small child, I never did discover my love of art until after I rededicated my life to the Lord in 1988).

In 2001, when the illness I’d contracted became very evident, I typed an estimated 120 words per minute. I had taken on the job training in radiological transcription so I could work part time hours making similar money and go back to school to become a Paramedic. I loved medicine! And, due to the predominance of my left brain, I’d worked in the social services doing primarily left brained work for the most part of 25 years.

The Illness: On January 24, 2001, an MRI of the brain was conducted and brain lesions were found. The largest (2 cm.) lesion was in my left frontal lobe (the left cerebral cortex). Among other things, my mathematical skills were extremely stifled for more than two years. Subsequent happenings were that my right cerebral cortex is now dominant and growing with my IQ becoming even higher than before the illness.

One thing I remember my psychologist telling me back in the early part of the 1980’s (when I was in my early 20’s) is that I was a right brained person (partially misunderstood by both he and I). Here I was in professions where I used primarily my left brain, but in many ways I showed that my right brain should be dominant (no wonder I was confused most of my life). And, also, he had explained to me that right brained people tended to have more emotional problems (bingo)…i.e., Van Gogh cutting off his ear.

Back to James 1:5 and praying for wisdom. I fully believe, now, that God kept me alive during those years of extreme alcohol and drug usage combined with severe emotional problems. He kept my predominance in my left brain to keep me from “jumping”. To keep me from going over the edge! For those of you who have not read my book or some of my previous writings, I experienced several suicide attempts with subsequent hospitalizations for depression and on and on, which led to the nine years of weekly psychologist appointments. All of the above led to my arrest for selling drugs with rededication to the Lord and final imprisonment (where I learned to know Him).

(And, I came out of prison in March of 1990 and was married in December of 1990 (still happily married to the same man)).

I realized my love for art, but at this time I was 30 years old and had only been trained for office work (Business Administration/Marketing in college) so that is what I continued to pursue.


Now, I know why my reactions to art were so extreme! Joe took me to several art exhibits, which truly touched my soul. As my love of art deepened I learned to do faux painting in my own home. My love of art was released in my decorating (and a little in needlework design and implementation). During a trip to Chicago and an exhibit at the Art Institute there I saw Renoir’s Two Sisters (On the Terrace) from across a room and by the time I’d walked over to it I had tears streaming down my face.

In 1995, I was struck down with complications from a fall from a roof in 1980 where I crushed a vertebra. It had calcified and was pressing into my spinal cord causing weakness of internal organs and the outward appearance of near loss of the use of my left leg. I was told if I did not have an extremely experimental surgery that I would surely be in a wheelchair in diapers in the very near future. Almost needless to say, I had the surgery. I was told that I would be off work for 6-9 months and in a body brace for 6.5 months. I was back working in 4.5 months in the brace. I learned, then, that God may let you go through something but He may still bring about healing more quickly.


I knew in my heart at that time that I was supposed to go back to work part-time and pursue something more creative on a part-time basis. But, I did not. I did slow down a little, but I went right back to working a part-time position but picking up more hours on the same or other shifts at the hospital. And, also back to the decorating or little needlework jobs on the side while watching TV.

There are many, many things I’ve learned from the illness that befell me in 2001…Countless! I can look back now, these 9 years later as I am still going through recovery and say that I wouldn’t change a thing! I endured with a much, much deeper relationship with our dear heavenly Papa! I could not put down in words all the ways that He has touched my heart and taught me things I did not know! One thing for sure is, that I am now that right brained person that He created me to be. I am an artist and a writer and I live in one of the most beautiful areas on earth (please check out my other writings). I fully believe that the world disabled me but God enabled me for so much more than I was doing before. And, with this…I’ll leave you with my future blog entries to read!

If you want to find out about your right/left brain predominance please check out the following link (Please note that this test is primarily geared towards artists – you can do a right brain vs. left brain search at http://www.google.com/ and find a test for non-artists.
http://painting.about.com/library/quiz/blquiz-rightbrain2.htm

I had to laugh when I took this. My findings were: "You answered 16 items out of 20 as right brained. Your score is 80%. Your right brain is strongly dominant. "

What made me laugh even more was that nearly all the questions that I answered as left brain were primarily effected by my husband. *2 Corinthians 8:13-15 (NKJV) “For I do not mean that others should be eased and you burdened; but by an equality, that now at this time your abundance may supply their lack, that their abundance also may supply your lack—that there may be equality. As it is written, “He who gathered much had nothing left over, and he who gathered little had no lack.”

May God bless you even in some small way from reading this blog entry. Please share either in the comments below, or message me at: http://www.facebook.com/?tid=1394349974594&sk=messages#!/JulianaPace

Reference:
*2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NKJV) “And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Mom's Hospital(s) Visit(s) - A Reflection - 2010

I have been inspired to write about this since God can be seen so many times over during this whole process! My mother was admitted to a rehab hospital on Thursday, February 11th to have an NG tube put in for feeding and to have therapy for rehabilitation. This was a real shocker to me and I sent out many prayers for her and the family. This also put her in a facility that is about 27 miles away, although most of the driving is spent on I-75 so it is easier driving. She was admitted there and started therapy on Friday, but they were having trouble putting in the NG tube and she was ordered to have no food by mouth since she was having terrible choking spells, speculatively due to previous strokes. 

Then, on Saturday night I tripped and fell at home with no one here. My left knee slammed onto the floor and became numb with tingling shooting down into my left foot. I had the wind knocked out of me and started just bawling while yelling at Satan to leave me alone in Jesus’ name and then hollering “Help me, Jesus”. I started shrieking through the tears that I was torn in so many directions already that I didn’t need this on top of it (like I know what I need…LOL). I literally prayed to get up off of the floor and then shivered for the next couple of hours. I even had trouble getting up and down from my seats; I was just really off balance. I decided to go to bed soon. On Sunday morning when I woke up, there was nothing wrong with me, not even so much as the tiniest bruise! I know I cried out to Jesus and He heard me. Psalm 107:6 “Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and He delivered them out of their distresses.” Hallelujah! 

Mom had the NG tube put in that morning at a local hospital by fluoroscope and was taken back to the rehab hospital. They started feedings using the NG tube and she seemed to be tolerating it well. On Monday I went to visit her for several hours. I read the Bible and a prayer book to her and she said we were making memories. We had a lovely time.

On Tuesday I was called to wait and go to the hospital. Mom had a bad night and was not doing well. She’d stopped swallowing so the NG tube needed to be removed. It was causing more problems than good. It seemed that she may have had a small stroke in the night and also the possibility of aspiration pneumonia. So, I waited until I found out she had been transported to the hospital and I met her there. She looked awful! I thought she looked as though she was at death’s door. I told her that I was unsure of God’s will in this but that I was praying for mercy. My mom and I have had talks. We both know that we will be in heaven someday. We have that blessed assurance. We know when it is her time (or mine for that matter) that it won’t be good-bye forever. It will just be “see ya later” and in God’s time we will be together again. So, this was not the anguish here, it was so hard to see her suffering. My churches Care Pastor came to visit us and pray with us that night. I believe he was more help at that time than even he knew. And, after praying, my mother already started to look better as even noted by her nurse who said that the breathing treatment and slight amount of antibiotics that had gotten into her so far could not have done that much good yet. Praise the Lord!

I set out to make it down to see my mom daily, even though it was a little distance on some of the busiest roads in the area. The first day I went to see her it took me about 45 minutes to get there (1/2 hour in traffic by way of Google) and nearly 1 ½ hours to get home in near bumper to bumper, stop and go traffic the entire way. I was literally exhausted by the time I got home. Totally spent and had trouble even making dinner for my husband and son. So, I devised a plan to go later the next day to avoid quitting time traffic. 

The trip down to see my mom went well. She looked much, much better already. During “quitting time”, a nurse showed up in my mom’s room to move her to another room. He said that there had been a multi-car pile-up on the same route that I’d taken the day before, and at the same time. This nurse was also from a very small town outside my home town back in Ohio. It didn’t dawn on me till the trip home that this change in time on the route I took more than likely caused me to avoid a multi-car pile-up. And, another strange thing is that I would not have known about this unless that nurse had shown up and we’d talked so much since I do not listen to the local news. God’s hand is shown upon me once again!

I went to see my mom the next day at the rehab facility and she is already having therapy and I’m praying she will respond well, but that is all in God’s hands!   

After all of this, the next thing to happen was that I got sick with the stomach flu. I could no longer go to visit my mom; being contagious to her and the other elderly people could have been devastating. On the third day of the flu, my phone rang and it was my mom. I was so very thankful to hear from her.   I'm not sure how long it had been since she'd spoken with me on the phone.  (One thing I realized when I got sick is that I still wanted to talk to her. We’d lived in the same town in Ohio most of the years before moving to Florida in 2005 and I was so used to her always being there whenever I’d gotten sick in the past. I really had no idea how strongly I’d feel about this until it happened.) And it helped her to feel useful once again. Both of us felt that God had given us a miracle, too, in that she was once again able to use her telephone. We’ve talked daily for more than 10 days now. I have gone to visit her 3 times again. We are now coming to the understanding that I won’t be able to visit as often because of the distance between us but God has established the phone again as a line of communication between us. I’ve been able to watch His guiding hand through this entire season of events. He truly works all things out for our good. (Romans 8:28).

What God Has Done in My Life - Recent Reflections - 2010

I’ve had the recent opportunity to do quite a bit of driving, mostly in helping out with my elderly mother. I say 'opportunity' because it has seemed that the Holy Spirit has been bringing to remembrance many of the side effects of my prior illness from the early 2000’s in turn, to have me reflect on how far I’ve come. That even though I still have some physical and mental deficits, I am nowhere near where I was 9 years ago.

To reflect on a visit to my mom’s nursing home. The first time I met and spoke with the assistant Director of Nursing, I shared with her that I’d previously been diagnosed with CNS Vasculitis (Central Nervous System Vasculitis) and her mouth fell. She shared that she’d just read about a gentleman with CNSV and was very genuinely fascinated. I shared that I was re-learning how to ride a bike, among other things. Her response was, “You’re not supposed to be re-learning how to ride a bike! You’re supposed to be dead!” and she was so right. (The information for CNS Vasculitis is extremely lengthy. To put it in fewer words, it is the inflammation of the arteries in the brain and spinal cord. It is extremely rare. At the time of my diagnosis (2003) there were 200 known cases or even less. It still had no confirmed cause, no known cure, and was considered to be terminal.

My mind has gone back, over and over again to the long 2 ½ years I spent mostly in bed but running between doctors, testing, hospital stays, and surgeries. In the first year, alone, I was on 26 prescriptions at one time. I learned to give myself shots. The steroid that they put me on to take down the numbness and swelling in my brain caused numerous side effects alone, which I carried for another 4 years beyond the 2 months that I took it (Decadron). One part of my life was a nightmare, while I communed with God. While I learned to be still and know He is God (Psalm 46:10a “Be still, and know that I am God”).

And, 9 years later, I am amazingly thankful for this time in my life. I have come to the realization that “…we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28).  He has revealed to me many reasons why this illness befell me but the most pertinent one to me is that I prayed for years and years to become closer to Him, to have more time with Him, for less of me and more of Him so this was all an answer to my many prayers. He knew I was distracted from all of this by this world so He plucked me out of it. He’s set me aside to seek for more of Him. And, I have become thankful in All things, all praise and glory to God!