I had been wondering if there was something wrong with me. Did I need to grow up? Why am I so spastic feeling and love this heavy music that I feel so extremely passionate about? Is there something wrong with me since no one else my age, at least around here, likes this music? I know it’s OK to be unique but I’m still human and the world still can make its impression on me at times. I also tend to feel like I’m standing alone so much of the time. So, I’d been thinking and I asked the Lord if I needed to change.
Then, another friend died last week. She was just 49 (1.5 years older than me) and she drank herself to death. Then I remembered what my Psychologist told me back in the 80’s; that I was among the less than 5% who ever made it out. I’d known this for some time, in my head, but I guess it just didn’t get into my heart until now. I’m finally realizing what that meant; that there aren’t that many people who were where I was who got out alive (in so many words). In 1988, I was headed to commit myself to a mental institution when God pulled me back! Not that there are that few 47 year olds, but that there are that many less 47 year olds who have been where I was. That, if they didn’t find God, they didn’t make it; either by death, prison, the psychiatric hospital, etc. I’m a ‘Limited Edition’. I know God made me to be one of a kind but even more so due to the extinction of many of my kind. This is quite disheartening to say the least. I’ve already known of 5 close friends that have died since God pulled me out; three to suicide, two to booze. And I’m sure there are others that I haven't hear about. But, this also causes me to have even more passion for the fight. For the good fight of faith in Jesus Christ! And, I’m more than happy to be me and to be unique and unlike anyone else!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Mom's Hospital(s) Visit(s) - A Reflection - 2010
I have been inspired to write about this since God can be seen so many times over during this whole process! My mother was admitted to a rehab hospital on Thursday, February 11th to have an NG tube put in for feeding and to have therapy for rehabilitation. This was a real shocker to me and I sent out many prayers for her and the family. This also put her in a facility that is about 27 miles away, although most of the driving is spent on I-75 so it is easier driving. She was admitted there and started therapy on Friday, but they were having trouble putting in the NG tube and she was ordered to have no food by mouth since she was having terrible choking spells, speculatively due to previous strokes.
Then, on Saturday night I tripped and fell at home with no one here. My left knee slammed onto the floor and became numb with tingling shooting down into my left foot. I had the wind knocked out of me and started just bawling while yelling at Satan to leave me alone in Jesus’ name and then hollering “Help me, Jesus”. I started shrieking through the tears that I was torn in so many directions already that I didn’t need this on top of it (like I know what I need…LOL). I literally prayed to get up off of the floor and then shivered for the next couple of hours. I even had trouble getting up and down from my seats; I was just really off balance. I decided to go to bed soon. On Sunday morning when I woke up, there was nothing wrong with me, not even so much as the tiniest bruise! I know I cried out to Jesus and He heard me. Psalm 107:6 “Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and He delivered them out of their distresses.” Hallelujah!
Mom had the NG tube put in that morning at a local hospital by fluoroscope and was taken back to the rehab hospital. They started feedings using the NG tube and she seemed to be tolerating it well. On Monday I went to visit her for several hours. I read the Bible and a prayer book to her and she said we were making memories. We had a lovely time.
On Tuesday I was called to wait and go to the hospital. Mom had a bad night and was not doing well. She’d stopped swallowing so the NG tube needed to be removed. It was causing more problems than good. It seemed that she may have had a small stroke in the night and also the possibility of aspiration pneumonia. So, I waited until I found out she had been transported to the hospital and I met her there. She looked awful! I thought she looked as though she was at death’s door. I told her that I was unsure of God’s will in this but that I was praying for mercy. My mom and I have had talks. We both know that we will be in heaven someday. We have that blessed assurance. We know when it is her time (or mine for that matter) that it won’t be good-bye forever. It will just be “see ya later” and in God’s time we will be together again. So, this was not the anguish here, it was so hard to see her suffering. My churches Care Pastor came to visit us and pray with us that night. I believe he was more help at that time than even he knew. And, after praying, my mother already started to look better as even noted by her nurse who said that the breathing treatment and slight amount of antibiotics that had gotten into her so far could not have done that much good yet. Praise the Lord!
I set out to make it down to see my mom daily, even though it was a little distance on some of the busiest roads in the area. The first day I went to see her it took me about 45 minutes to get there (1/2 hour in traffic by way of Google) and nearly 1 ½ hours to get home in near bumper to bumper, stop and go traffic the entire way. I was literally exhausted by the time I got home. Totally spent and had trouble even making dinner for my husband and son. So, I devised a plan to go later the next day to avoid quitting time traffic.
The trip down to see my mom went well. She looked much, much better already. During “quitting time”, a nurse showed up in my mom’s room to move her to another room. He said that there had been a multi-car pile-up on the same route that I’d taken the day before, and at the same time. This nurse was also from a very small town outside my home town back in Ohio. It didn’t dawn on me till the trip home that this change in time on the route I took more than likely caused me to avoid a multi-car pile-up. And, another strange thing is that I would not have known about this unless that nurse had shown up and we’d talked so much since I do not listen to the local news. God’s hand is shown upon me once again!
I went to see my mom the next day at the rehab facility and she is already having therapy and I’m praying she will respond well, but that is all in God’s hands!
After all of this, the next thing to happen was that I got sick with the stomach flu. I could no longer go to visit my mom; being contagious to her and the other elderly people could have been devastating. On the third day of the flu, my phone rang and it was my mom. I was so very thankful to hear from her. I'm not sure how long it had been since she'd spoken with me on the phone. (One thing I realized when I got sick is that I still wanted to talk to her. We’d lived in the same town in Ohio most of the years before moving to Florida in 2005 and I was so used to her always being there whenever I’d gotten sick in the past. I really had no idea how strongly I’d feel about this until it happened.) And it helped her to feel useful once again. Both of us felt that God had given us a miracle, too, in that she was once again able to use her telephone. We’ve talked daily for more than 10 days now. I have gone to visit her 3 times again. We are now coming to the understanding that I won’t be able to visit as often because of the distance between us but God has established the phone again as a line of communication between us. I’ve been able to watch His guiding hand through this entire season of events. He truly works all things out for our good. (Romans 8:28).
Then, on Saturday night I tripped and fell at home with no one here. My left knee slammed onto the floor and became numb with tingling shooting down into my left foot. I had the wind knocked out of me and started just bawling while yelling at Satan to leave me alone in Jesus’ name and then hollering “Help me, Jesus”. I started shrieking through the tears that I was torn in so many directions already that I didn’t need this on top of it (like I know what I need…LOL). I literally prayed to get up off of the floor and then shivered for the next couple of hours. I even had trouble getting up and down from my seats; I was just really off balance. I decided to go to bed soon. On Sunday morning when I woke up, there was nothing wrong with me, not even so much as the tiniest bruise! I know I cried out to Jesus and He heard me. Psalm 107:6 “Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and He delivered them out of their distresses.” Hallelujah!
Mom had the NG tube put in that morning at a local hospital by fluoroscope and was taken back to the rehab hospital. They started feedings using the NG tube and she seemed to be tolerating it well. On Monday I went to visit her for several hours. I read the Bible and a prayer book to her and she said we were making memories. We had a lovely time.
On Tuesday I was called to wait and go to the hospital. Mom had a bad night and was not doing well. She’d stopped swallowing so the NG tube needed to be removed. It was causing more problems than good. It seemed that she may have had a small stroke in the night and also the possibility of aspiration pneumonia. So, I waited until I found out she had been transported to the hospital and I met her there. She looked awful! I thought she looked as though she was at death’s door. I told her that I was unsure of God’s will in this but that I was praying for mercy. My mom and I have had talks. We both know that we will be in heaven someday. We have that blessed assurance. We know when it is her time (or mine for that matter) that it won’t be good-bye forever. It will just be “see ya later” and in God’s time we will be together again. So, this was not the anguish here, it was so hard to see her suffering. My churches Care Pastor came to visit us and pray with us that night. I believe he was more help at that time than even he knew. And, after praying, my mother already started to look better as even noted by her nurse who said that the breathing treatment and slight amount of antibiotics that had gotten into her so far could not have done that much good yet. Praise the Lord!
I set out to make it down to see my mom daily, even though it was a little distance on some of the busiest roads in the area. The first day I went to see her it took me about 45 minutes to get there (1/2 hour in traffic by way of Google) and nearly 1 ½ hours to get home in near bumper to bumper, stop and go traffic the entire way. I was literally exhausted by the time I got home. Totally spent and had trouble even making dinner for my husband and son. So, I devised a plan to go later the next day to avoid quitting time traffic.
The trip down to see my mom went well. She looked much, much better already. During “quitting time”, a nurse showed up in my mom’s room to move her to another room. He said that there had been a multi-car pile-up on the same route that I’d taken the day before, and at the same time. This nurse was also from a very small town outside my home town back in Ohio. It didn’t dawn on me till the trip home that this change in time on the route I took more than likely caused me to avoid a multi-car pile-up. And, another strange thing is that I would not have known about this unless that nurse had shown up and we’d talked so much since I do not listen to the local news. God’s hand is shown upon me once again!
I went to see my mom the next day at the rehab facility and she is already having therapy and I’m praying she will respond well, but that is all in God’s hands!
After all of this, the next thing to happen was that I got sick with the stomach flu. I could no longer go to visit my mom; being contagious to her and the other elderly people could have been devastating. On the third day of the flu, my phone rang and it was my mom. I was so very thankful to hear from her. I'm not sure how long it had been since she'd spoken with me on the phone. (One thing I realized when I got sick is that I still wanted to talk to her. We’d lived in the same town in Ohio most of the years before moving to Florida in 2005 and I was so used to her always being there whenever I’d gotten sick in the past. I really had no idea how strongly I’d feel about this until it happened.) And it helped her to feel useful once again. Both of us felt that God had given us a miracle, too, in that she was once again able to use her telephone. We’ve talked daily for more than 10 days now. I have gone to visit her 3 times again. We are now coming to the understanding that I won’t be able to visit as often because of the distance between us but God has established the phone again as a line of communication between us. I’ve been able to watch His guiding hand through this entire season of events. He truly works all things out for our good. (Romans 8:28).
What God Has Done in My Life - Recent Reflections - 2010
I’ve had the recent opportunity to do quite a bit of driving, mostly in helping out with my elderly mother. I say 'opportunity' because it has seemed that the Holy Spirit has been bringing to remembrance many of the side effects of my prior illness from the early 2000’s in turn, to have me reflect on how far I’ve come. That even though I still have some physical and mental deficits, I am nowhere near where I was 9 years ago.
To reflect on a visit to my mom’s nursing home. The first time I met and spoke with the assistant Director of Nursing, I shared with her that I’d previously been diagnosed with CNS Vasculitis (Central Nervous System Vasculitis) and her mouth fell. She shared that she’d just read about a gentleman with CNSV and was very genuinely fascinated. I shared that I was re-learning how to ride a bike, among other things. Her response was, “You’re not supposed to be re-learning how to ride a bike! You’re supposed to be dead!” and she was so right. (The information for CNS Vasculitis is extremely lengthy. To put it in fewer words, it is the inflammation of the arteries in the brain and spinal cord. It is extremely rare. At the time of my diagnosis (2003) there were 200 known cases or even less. It still had no confirmed cause, no known cure, and was considered to be terminal.
My mind has gone back, over and over again to the long 2 ½ years I spent mostly in bed but running between doctors, testing, hospital stays, and surgeries. In the first year, alone, I was on 26 prescriptions at one time. I learned to give myself shots. The steroid that they put me on to take down the numbness and swelling in my brain caused numerous side effects alone, which I carried for another 4 years beyond the 2 months that I took it (Decadron). One part of my life was a nightmare, while I communed with God. While I learned to be still and know He is God (Psalm 46:10a “Be still, and know that I am God”).
And, 9 years later, I am amazingly thankful for this time in my life. I have come to the realization that “…we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28). He has revealed to me many reasons why this illness befell me but the most pertinent one to me is that I prayed for years and years to become closer to Him, to have more time with Him, for less of me and more of Him so this was all an answer to my many prayers. He knew I was distracted from all of this by this world so He plucked me out of it. He’s set me aside to seek for more of Him. And, I have become thankful in All things, all praise and glory to God!
To reflect on a visit to my mom’s nursing home. The first time I met and spoke with the assistant Director of Nursing, I shared with her that I’d previously been diagnosed with CNS Vasculitis (Central Nervous System Vasculitis) and her mouth fell. She shared that she’d just read about a gentleman with CNSV and was very genuinely fascinated. I shared that I was re-learning how to ride a bike, among other things. Her response was, “You’re not supposed to be re-learning how to ride a bike! You’re supposed to be dead!” and she was so right. (The information for CNS Vasculitis is extremely lengthy. To put it in fewer words, it is the inflammation of the arteries in the brain and spinal cord. It is extremely rare. At the time of my diagnosis (2003) there were 200 known cases or even less. It still had no confirmed cause, no known cure, and was considered to be terminal.
My mind has gone back, over and over again to the long 2 ½ years I spent mostly in bed but running between doctors, testing, hospital stays, and surgeries. In the first year, alone, I was on 26 prescriptions at one time. I learned to give myself shots. The steroid that they put me on to take down the numbness and swelling in my brain caused numerous side effects alone, which I carried for another 4 years beyond the 2 months that I took it (Decadron). One part of my life was a nightmare, while I communed with God. While I learned to be still and know He is God (Psalm 46:10a “Be still, and know that I am God”).
And, 9 years later, I am amazingly thankful for this time in my life. I have come to the realization that “…we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28). He has revealed to me many reasons why this illness befell me but the most pertinent one to me is that I prayed for years and years to become closer to Him, to have more time with Him, for less of me and more of Him so this was all an answer to my many prayers. He knew I was distracted from all of this by this world so He plucked me out of it. He’s set me aside to seek for more of Him. And, I have become thankful in All things, all praise and glory to God!
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