He is making perfect sense out of a perfectly senseless, messed up life!

Monday, August 8, 2011

I’m Being Transformed…


     I’ve had such trouble writing for so long and now that I’m emerging from a prescription medication induced fog I feel the need to explain both the good and the bad. I’ve been talking to the Lord about my seeming inability to write for some time now. Yesterday in church (I have been having this happen for some time now) I knew I was supposed to write about some aspects of this time in my life so I prayed for the Lord to wake me up to write early if this was His intention. I awoke around 5 am this morning, lying in a half awake stupor for about ½ hour until I crawled out of bed knowing that falling back asleep wasn’t an option. There were so many words bouncing around in my brain that I knew that getting up and writing was my only option.

     First of all I’ve been so unsure about how to explain to myself about the anti-depressant medication after my mother passed away. I still believe in God’s miraculous healing power over the depressions of my past so how was I to explain about being on this type of medication again? Something that has bothered me the entire time I’ve been on it but I just put it in God’s hands and moved on: *Proverbs 3:5,6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” I knew that he led me to the doctor and I’d prayed for His will to be done. I’ll refer you to a previous blog entry “My Momma’s Home” http://somethingbyjuliana.blogspot.com/2011/02/i-lost-my-mom.html - wow I’ve written more than I thought I did this year! Awesome!) I’ve known so well that my mom has been in heaven but my life was at a pivotal point with my body unsure of it all so I had some life induced stress reactions going on. I’ve believed for some time that God puts all medications here for our intended use and I’ve prayed for me not to be over prescribed medication, believing that He may use medication as a bridge to Him when finding Him in the fog of life is difficult. My car broke down on February 2nd of this year (another story entirely) so I have been nearly forced to remain at home, alone with Him for the most part of these past six months. At first I did it, almost kicking and screaming. I’ve not been on the go much but it seemed that having the car out there, knowing that I could go if I wanted to made life look much more appealing. Now that I look back at this time I see that this could have been a big reason for medication in itself.

     At this time, I am being weaned off of the medication. I’ve also learned a great deal about this in the past month or so. I had gotten to the point of the medication making me feel numb. Its intended use was to keep me from experiencing all the manifestations of the stress I was going through at this point in time of being lowly in mind (how else do I explain it?) but I hadn’t been experiencing so many highly joyous times with the Lord that I’d grown accustomed to. I knew something was wrong so I went to the doctor who told me that I would experience depression if taken off of the medication. But, I’ve learned that I’d rather experience all of my emotions than be numb. He also told me that the medication had stunted my creativity, which came over me so slowly that I truly didn’t know it was there until the resurgence of creative inspiration when starting to cut back on the medication. I have a real empathy for those who do not recognize the need to learn to rely on God versus medication when going through the trials of life.

     To share a tiny bit: On Father’s day were my first thoughts of confusion regarding the medication so my I started talking to the Lord about it. I wanted to wear my contacts to church, along with more casual attire, to go on an outing requested by my husband. In just adjusting to the contacts, I’d heard that I may lose them if I cry while wearing them. So, I prayed to not cry…BIG MISTAKE. My church experience was quite “DRY” also. Not only did I not cry but I also didn’t experience the normally heightened emotions. “YIKES”, I surely didn’t like that. I’d much rather cry and I’m back to my routine of no contacts while wearing waterproof mascara and toting along tissues. No, I do not experience many tears of sadness but the fact that I am a highly emotional person it seems that all of my emotions tend to overflow in tears. This did not happen this time! (I’ve cried many more tears while in deepened states of thanksgiving and joy than actual sadness in my last 23 years while walking with Him! Hallelujah!).

     This highly emotional state I’ve learned is a part of who I am and that I do not want to give it away. I love that I feel for others, too. I also “weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15) quite easily.

     So, last week was a week of confusion, headaches, nausea and on and on as I know I was experiencing some withdrawals from this medication. I’d had some side effects when I first started taking it, so I’m not devoid similar while being weaned off of it. I’m now taking just half the dose and already so joyous to have my emotions running back. I am also very thankful that the Lord has brought me through this heightened educational time in my life. (If you’ve never read Joyce Meyer’s “The Battlefield of the Mind”, I must truly recommend it.) When I get into “stinkin’ thinkin’” I am now learning to stop and count my blessings, sit and read my Bible, go into my studio to paint and commune with the Lord, and/or turn on my worship music and make this my top priority. It’s better for my house to be a mess than for me to be one, which I’ve exclaimed even to my husband!

     Which brings me to an explanation of the learning process I’m going through as I am emerging from the fog. With the promotion to glory of both of my parents (Dad 10/16/01) I’m coming into a different time in my life. I am devoid of my earthly parents. At 51, God is becoming even more to me. Many ideas I’d had in my head since my youth have now been passing away with them. My folks didn’t pass away as so many say, I like what our pastor says that they were promoted to glory, but some of the things that I’d learned and taken to heart are passing away. I’m into a time in my life where God is that only still small voice that I pay attention to. I’m learning to remember the good things from my past while forgetting the bad, finally getting the idea behind this verse: *Philippians 3:13a: “forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead,”. I didn’t understand this before because I’d prayed and prayed to forget but it didn’t start happening until more recently. It seemed that the things from my past were serving as an educational tool. Those things no longer contain the sting to my heart that they once possessed. God has healed my memories!

     While in church yesterday I was reminded of a scene from my past. It was more than a year ago when I was talking to my mother on the phone. As she complained, I told her that I could be sitting in a pile of dung, praising the Lord. (I knew that thought was from Him since “dung” is a word that I don’t know that I’ve ever used. This is the way that His anointing works in me many times.) Yesterday the sermon was the final in a series on the coming of the end. We’ve been instructed on how we are to act as Christians while living in this world as it is today. I believe that much of the world today is this “dung” that the Lord has been instructing me about. This is how I am to act…sitting in a pile of dung praising Him! *Romans 12:2 “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”





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